At least, according to my astrologer. Yes, you read that right. My astrologer. I mean, I’ve only seen her one time so I don't really feel like I should confidently refer to her as “my astrologer”, as one says “my hairdresser” or “my doctor”, but I saw her last weekend and fell in love. She told me a lot of great things, but also just confirmed a lot of things for where my life is right now and where it is headed. It’s the perfect energetic time, she says! You’re on the right track, she says! She also told me that I have a gift for writing and that I should be doing more of that right now, especially given what we are in the middle of. (tooting that all horn all over the place over here…) Therefore hold on tight -- this is going to be a long one, but I promise that it’s worth making it through…
So what are we in the middle of, you ask? What is all of this energy (both literal and figurative) pointing us towards?
Well in order to tell you that, I need to back up a little bit. I’ve struggled throughout the years with some minor health issues, almost all of which I’m not going to go into detail on… But the biggest one that has stood in my way is my blood clotting disorder. As most of you know, when David and I got married I ended up in the hospital for 11 days because 80% of my lungs were filled with blood clots. It was a really hard time, and it taught me a lot about my body and about advocating for my own health. I was placed on blood thinners for a year or so, and then (safely!) taken off of them when it looked like my blood levels were good. I knew that if David and I wanted to have a baby, I could not be on that medicine and have a baby at the same time, so I was on team Get Off Warfarin - and my team won! Hooray!
In the time since then, we haven’t really hunkered down to try having a baby. But we also haven’t been avoiding it. We were in the “whatever happens, happens” boat for a few years. And then, last spring, I started having some weird, vaguely familiar symptoms. I went into urgent care, told them that I was sure I had a blood clot (and explained that since my 2013 incident, I had discovered that I had a clotting disorder), and they all looked at me like I was nuts. None of the symptoms I mentioned sounded like anything. I promised them I was following my gut, and a CT Scan, some shame from the doc about not being on blood thinners anymore, and a lot of panic later - boom. Confirmed. Blood clot in the leg. Back on blood thinners. “For how long?” David asked the doc. “Umm, indefinitely,” the doctor replied. To get back onto the pill, I had to give myself injections. Two injections, twice a day. For those of you who are as good at math as I am, that’s four injections a day. And the very first night I gave myself the shot, I sobbed hysterically. I told David I couldn’t do it. I stopped several times. It burned, it ached, it was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to go through. And that was just one shot. Afterwards, as we sat at dinner, I started to cry again and told David that having a baby was off the table for me. If I were to get pregnant, I would have to give myself those injections every day. For 9 + months. No way jose. I couldn’t do it.
My brain had always been mulling over the possibility of becoming a mom but not by birth. As women, I feel like we are aware of the fact that it may not always be in the cards, the traditional way for us - we have to keep our eyes and hearts open to all of the ways that we could become mothers if we really want to be mothers. And you guys, I feel like I was born wanting to be a mom. That might sound cliche, but it’s true. So I knew that a way would show itself to me.
Surrogacy would be ideal. But so expensive. Adoption would be awesome too. But also, expensive. But throughout all of the mulling I knew one thing - I did NOT have to give birth to them in order to love a child as my own. I do that with 200 + kids every single day. So I kept doing research… and it wasn’t very long before my heart landed on the idea of fostering, with the end goal being adoption. I told myself that it felt ideal but I didn’t know if my heart could take it -- the idea of coming to love a child and it leaving my home just may break me. But as soon as we went to an orientation with a Tacoma based foster agency, I knew. But I knew that it may be harder for David to make the decision than me, because he hadn’t always been going through a mental rolodex of how to be a parent like I had.
We were ten minutes down the road and I was screaming “WELL? WELL? WELL? WELL?” over and over again in my head at him, willing him to speak. I didn’t want to attack. So I waited as patiently as I could before I calmly (I promise!) asked him… “so what do you think?” And then he said the three words back to me that made my heart sing… “Let’s do it.”
So there you have it, everyone. That was about a year ago, and since then we have done lots of thinking/researching/dreaming/scheming/planning. And now here we are - smack dab in the middle of the process of becoming licensed foster parents. We are working through our home study, with a private agency (which is adding more time, but providing a really great, structured, and smooth pathway for us), and we are really happy and excited.
We are hoping for the placement of 1 child right now (our house is so small!), in the 0-3 age range. We have had to shift rooms in our house, clean out so many things, and start both purging AND gathering (it’s a very strange combination!)... We are reading a ton of stuff, filling out even MORE things, and getting so many ducks in so many rows. It’s so hard to work with ducks, let alone get them in rows. We have a great case specialist, who we both really like. Our family and close friends are beyond excited for this. And we are just finally starting to dig down in and realize that this will be a real thing in the next few months. David will graduate, start his job, and then someone will bring a child to our house and then …. LEAVE IT THERE. I keep imagining this first night over and over again, and how it will feel totally like a sitcom to me.
Maybe a kiddo will stay with us for a week. Maybe a half a year. Or maybe they will end up staying forever. We don’t know! And we are open to whatever. I have fears, of course. I’m a rational person. And I’m a control freak, who was told at our first personal meeting that being one of those will be really hard for me through this process. And they weren’t wrong! But so far, I’m still standing. Now, mind you, I’ve been a total ball of anxiety and stress lately, but I’m figuring it out. We are figuring it out together.
I’m open to questions if you have them, but I’m going to try to do my best to document this journey that we are on. I want to be able to look back at this in 5 years and see how far we have come. And who knows? By then we may have a kiddo with us as a part of our forever family… It will probably take awhile until we get to the point of being able to adopt, and it may be quite a few placements in. But that is the goal, and I’m feeling really hopeful that our future child is out there somewhere, just waiting for us to be their parents. Because we are (almost!!!) ready to be their parents. Which, believe me, is such an exciting thing to type to you all. But also, it makes the control freak in my kick into high gear. So now here I go, off to fill in some more paperwork or read something else.
But you guys, we are really so excited. 2019 is going to be the Marcellis’ year, we can already feel it.